5 Steps towards Body Positivity.

It’s that time of year where all the ‘New Year, New Me’ fucktard stuff gets thrown around on the internet. So I thought, I would join in. This is the only New Year’s resolution I’m having this year and I really think it should be one for your list too. ‘Be more body positive’. I’ve written out some steps to help you as best I can. (Basically this is just me avoiding dieting because I believe Dorito’s and Guacamole to be better than sex.)

Step One. Understand what ‘body positivity’ is.

Body Positivity is a response to a culture that has conditioned us into thinking that white, skinny, tall, big breasted, long hair is beautiful and everything else is not quite as good. It’s fighting back against the belief that plus size is ugly, that lumps and bumps are gross and muscle means man. Basically, in short, Body Positivity is calling out the bullshit. It’s not about being curvy, or being plus size, or being short, or being tall. It’s about loving the skin you’re in, no matter what skin that happens to be. Being body positive doesn’t mean you’re never allowed to diet or wear make-up or change the way you look. It’s about learning to find the beauty in you and what you have and giving the middle finger to anything that challenges self-love. I.e. women’s magazines (don’t get me started)

Step Two. Begin with the end in sight.

If you’re about to go on a diet, the best advice I can give is to envision yourself at the end. Look at yourself once you’ve lost the weight and ask yourself honestly how you feel. Do you feel happier being a stone lighter? Has this changed your life? Can you do more things now you’ve lost weight? IF yes, then great, lose weight. But really understand before you do anything if it’s actually what you want to do and not what you think you need to do. So many people set themselves goals and by the end of it they realise it’s not actually what they wanted. Some people are happier being a few sizes bigger. Dieting shouldn’t be hard, if you really really want to lose the weight you should be able to do it. If you’re finding dieting an uphill battle every time you attempt it, then stop. Stop and think about what you actually want and what makes you happy. If you need to lose weight for health reason then don’t diet, change your lifestyle, cut out the bad stuff. There’s no need to go to extremes.

Step three. Stalk yourself.

This one sounds weird BUT there’s no better way to learn to love you than stalking yourself. Think about all those girls you stalk in Instagram for ages (don’t lie and pretend you don’t, we all do). You sit in awe at how great their selfies look followed by that shit yourself feeling when you accidentally double tap. Look through your own social media accounts and find pictures you like, I bet you’ll find more than you think. Go back to a time you thought were ‘prettier’ or ‘skinnier’. Now think about if you were happier or not. I look back on photos where I weigh a stone less. It makes me feel so bloody shit but then I know how I felt back then and I wasn’t any happier, I still wasn’t happy about the way I looked. I was a twat that didn’t realise she had abs of steel and an ass that kept on giving.  Now instead of concentrating on the way I look in each photo I’ve picked up the ability to look at the way I’m feeling. Once you master that it’s pretty great and you’ll untag far less photos.

Step four. Own your flaws.

I’ve found that talking openly about my flaws makes it easier for me to accept them. Especially as when I tell people about them they either have never noticed, or have the exact same flaws. It’s always great when you confide in a girl about your cellulite and her reply is “Oh my god I have the same problem”, I mean it’s kinda messed up but it feels good! Once you recognise your flaws you can learn to love them, if not love then at least grow fond of them. My knees for example, I have no knees. I’m not being modest or fishing for compliments, they do not exist, where my knees should be is just a mound of wrinkled fat. No matter how much weight I lose I will never have knees. I’ve learnt to love my cushions knee replacements though, I mean if I ever need to knee a guy in the cock I know that I won’t do much damage. Guys can sleep easy at night knowing that I have chubby knees. Another thing worth doing is finding people, maybe even celebs with similar flaws. I used to feel a bit funny about my stubby fingers until I watched a clip of Elizabeth Taylor laughing about her stubby fingers, my God I have never complained about them again.

Finally. Step five. Know your triggers.

That sounds a bit weird and like you’re the hulk or something. Basically what I mean is what triggers you into feeling shit about your body? Is it when you go clubbing? When you see models in magazines? When you scroll Instagram? Find these triggers and either create a way of you not having to face that or a way to control it and turn it into something positive. For example I used to follow soooooo many insta hot girls, I was obsessed, I loved their style and their make-up HOWEVER every time I saw one I felt awful about the way I looked. So, I unfollowed them all and followed girls that inspired me to think positively, some of these also happen to be super-hot but it’s a very different message they’re promoting. I also used to feel shit when I got tagged in photos, to the point where I deleted Facebook. SILLY SOPHIE. You’re not going to look good in every photo but if you’re feeling good and smiling you will always love it. Most my photos were me pulling a funny gurning face so I had an excuse to look ugly. I know I’m not the only girl that does this. Now I learn to just smile and not worry about the outcome but just enjoy that moment.

I hope this was a little bit helpful and a push in the right direction. If it wasn’t, well, I did write this quite late with my cat lying across my right arm but my intentions were that of purity and love. 

“Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.” – Tina Fey. 

My advice on dealing with grief

The first thing I will tell you about dealing with grief, is that you don't deal with it. It hits you so hard in the stomach that you become winded and struggle to deal with anything, even the smallest of tasks.

I have experienced/ am still experiencing grief for the first time in my life. Just over a year ago my brother had a heart attack upstairs in his room. I had to stand watching, on the phone to the ambulance whilst I saw his life get stolen from him. Never will I get this image out of my head and never will I fully recover from the night that changed my life forever, but I can offer some sort of insight for people facing a similar ordeal. 

There are different stages of grief. You've probably heard these before. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. These do not come in a nice little row. They come whenever they like, they also return whenever they like and you can't control them. The thing you should know about grief is you can't control it and you shouldn't. Whatever you start to feel, just go with it and feel it. You need to feel sad, you need to feel all these emotions that have been thrust upon you because it builds you up and makes you strong. It stops you breaking down and completely losing all function. You could say it's building your emotional immune system. 

Always let people be there. Never shut people out, you need them. You'll kid yourself and try to do it on your own but you will never be able to. It doesn't matter if people understand, how can they? You can't even really comprehend what is happening. Vent to them, let out all your emotion to them, cry on their shoulder and let people know how you're feeling, it will help you more than you realise. Accepting help will be the best thing you can do. 

Everything will be a blur. Your memory will be shot to shit. You'll forget about everything apart from the fact you've lost someone. It's like you're in a parallel universe and can't seem to find your way back. It's the most surreal feeling in the world, the feeling that your world has just stopped but everybody else's seems to just keep going. You'll feel bitter and resentful of this, it will make you angry and depressed but this is all part of it. Just try with all your might to keep perspective. Life keeps on going and as painful as it is you have to keep going with it and not be left behind in the darkness. 

You are not the only one grieving. This is important to remember. Don't forget that other people are feeling this loss too, support each other. I lost a brother and my mum lost a son in the same night, however we both dealt with it differently and at times we grew extremely far apart. It's important to realise that everyone deals with things in different ways however there is no right or wrong. 

Try not to block it out. In most cases of sudden or traumatic death, especially if you witnessed it, you will try and block it all out. Almost try and forget it ever happened and shake it off. Go out and get blind drunk. Work more hours than are actually in a day. Don't do this. When it pops into your head let it, if you block it out it will creep up on you later on. It could be years later. Grief doesn't have a time limit. It wont just go away because you ignore it so it's best to face it head on. Try even dedicating a day or an afternoon to sit in your room and cry your eyes out, this sounds silly but you'll need it.

Seek help. If you're finding it hard to talk to friends and family seek other help. There are many places you can seek this help. Samaritans is a good one, they are impartial and there 24/7. There is a charity called Cruse bereavement, they can book someone to come see you in your home and talk to you, this is free and they are professionally trained. Equally if you're finding it really difficult and you start to get depressed, visit your GP and they can seek you other forms of counselling. Don't ever give up and face it alone. 

Don't feel guilty for being happy. There will be times you'll start to feel happy, you might meet someone, or go out and have a laugh with your friends. This will make you feel incredibly guilty and drag you straight back to a depressive state. Don't let it. Guilt is a wasted emotion when you have nothing to feel guilty about. Enjoy every bit of happiness you get because you might not get it again for a while. You're allowed to be happy. You're achieving nothing by being sad. The person you lost would want you to be happy, not only that but everybody around you wants you to be happy and deep down all you want is to be able to be happy again. 

Bargaining. Bargaining is one of the stages people don't really talk about. Bargaining can be wishing it was you dead instead of them. I felt this quite strongly. I was struggling silently with depression at the time of my brothers death and felt because of this it should have been me die, not him. He was happy and didn't deserve to die. Bargaining does not achieve anything, much like guilt. It's self torture. There is no way you can actually swap with the person, if there was a way I would have done it but there wasn't. The universe wants you to carry on going and complete your path. Make your life worth living, let the loss of someone teach you how valuable life is, plan out how you're going to make the most of it. I got into spirituality after the death of my brother and it taught me a great deal. I'm not saying you should go find religion, after death religion is the thing you hate most. But learn to focus on life and how precious it is and don't let a death ever be in vain. 

Talk to your loved one. Just because they're gone doesn't mean you can't talk to them, it just means they can't talk back. Perfect opportunity to really get stuff off your chest. I now tell my brother everything and he can't even tell me to shut up. 

They're not gone. I don't know much about after life, in fact nobody does. But always remember that one day you will see them again, you'll hear their voice and feel their embrace. They've been taken away from this world we live in but always remember we don't just live in a world we live in a great big universe so never lose hope that there isn't something else. I'm not saying there is a heaven, or reincarnation or anything like that, I don't know, but believe there is something.

Everything is relative. Never believe that your problem is greater, or your grief is bigger than someone else's. This is hard and you will have to put up with people moaning about trivial things meanwhile your life is a train wreck. You will become a better person for not letting this get to you and still being there for other people and their problems. Sometimes dealing with other peoples problems can take you away from yours for a bit. 

Pretty much everyone will go through grief at one point in their life and I wish no one had to, but I hope this serves as some sort of help or insight. 

"The ones we love never truly leave us" - J.K Rowling. 

An open letter to my 15 year old self.

Dear 15 year old Sophie (known back then as 'Little Soph')

Firstly, I would like to say, you are great. Stop looking in the mirror and feeling shit about yourself, stop letting people be mean to you because you don't believe you deserve any better and for heavens sake, please STOP plucking your eyebrows.

Right now you feel shit, you don't have a close network of friends but don't worry, because by your twenties you will have the greatest friends any girl would wish for. They will be your rock, they will keep you grounded and they will lift you through your darkest times. Remember to treat them with respect and love them unconditionally like they have done to you. You will need them one day more than you ever thought you could need another human being.

Not all boys are wankers. You're about to experience your first ever heart break and it's not the one you imagined, you will find yourself in a horrible and mentally abusive relationship that will tear you apart and leave you adrift from your family. You'll be forced to lie to your family and friends and pretend everything's okay when it's far from okay. This will not end you, you will feel shit for ages and it will change the way you are but ultimately it's what's made you the strong woman you are now. Don't judge all boys on a previous boys standards and morals. Some are really nice and you will be lucky enough to be with some of them. You'll be a prick to them obviously because you're kind of an idiot but I forgive you.

Realise how great your brother is. There will come a day where you will no longer have him in your life. You will feel pain like no other and he will not be there to help you. He may punch you, he may annoy you, he will call you greebo and say you have a mono-brow. In your constant battle with each other you may forget that he helped raise you at times. He babysat you, fed you, helped you when you were sad and looked out for you without you finding out. He is a truly great person and without him you would not be the woman you are now. Cling on to every single second you have with your big brother and love him with every inch of your heart.

Your mum is not your enemy. Stop being so bloody dramatic. You may not have the best relationship with your mum but you are not the only one. You may think that by not letting you out with all the other kids to the underage clubs she is oppressing you but trust me, you've turned out great. Making you do chores from an early age has led you to become a very independent woman, shes the reason you are a feminist and she is the reason you're alright at cooking. You will come to realise how hard it is bringing up two children alone and the troubles she had to face. She's felt more pain than you will ever imagine but would take the burden of yours in an instant. Give her a hug once in a while because birthdays and Christmas's is not enough. Don't be afraid to tell her how you're feeling because every now and then she dishes out good advice. Don't spill stuff on your carpet because she will fucking destroy you. Also, she knows you smoke so just stop spraying Charlie Red. It's disgusting.

Do nice things for people. You will come across a lot of people who are less fortunate than you, always be there for them and try to help them however you can. Do not judge people for what they wear, how they speak or who they associate with. Always take people at face value because that is how you will get through life and make all those amazing friends you now have.

Your boobs grow, at one point they grow really big and it's amazing. They will then shrink again.

You get your braces off eventually but you still feel ugly. Stop being such a baby.

I hate to break it to you but you do not stop getting spots after your teenage years, in fact you get so hormonal  that you get more spots, then you move out and eat shit and get a little bit podgy too. You don't care though because looks aren't everything. Be wonderful inside and it will show on the outside.

Finally, I don't say it enough, but you're okay. You're full of self loathing but have no reason to be. Don't panic over not being the funniest, prettiest, smartest girl in the room. The only person judging you is yourself, relax, be happy and don't take shit from arseholes.

Love from, 23 year old Sophie (known as Sophie because that's my name, you idiot)

Slut Shaming. Let’s just stop it yeah

So what is slut shaming? Well, here’s something I pinched from Wikipedia, source of all 100% accurate information about pretty much anything. ‘Slut shaming (also hyphenated, as slut-shaming) is a concept in sexuality. It is a neologism used to describe the act of making any person feel guilty or inferior for certain sexual behaviours or desires that deviate from traditional or orthodox gender expectations, or that which may be considered to be contrary to natural or religious law.’

So in other words, when a girl is more sexually active than average, she gets tarnished with the horrid and disgusting word that is ‘slut’. What is a slut? Most people just call a girl a slut because she’s maybe prone to having one night stands, or wears provocative clothing or speaks in an open and crude manner. My mum often calls me a slut; I’d say she’s called me a slut every week of my life since the age of 11. Of course, my mum still uses the word ‘slut’ in the old fashioned way. A slut used to mean a messy and untidy girl. So by definition, I’m a massive slut. But by modern definition, am I slut? I don’t believe I am but chances are; I’ve been called one.

Slut shaming has only really recently become recognised as a ‘thing’ although it’s been around forever. Let’s take Marylyn Monroe for example, people are still slut shaming her now and the poor woman is dead! What right do any of us have to label somebodies sexual behaviour? I mean, some people like sex, so will act upon this by having lots of sex. Why is this wrong? If no one is getting hurt, why should this person be burnt at the stake? Are we going to start shoving pitchforks up girl’s vaginas if they don’t ‘behave’? How far is this silly shit going to go?

‘…you all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it ok for guys to call you sluts and whores.’ This quote has resonated in my mind since the moment I heard it. One, because it was said by Tina Fey and I love her so much I could stroke her hair for hours and two, because it’s bloody true! We should be on each other’s side, not battling it out against each other. I’ve got friends that boys have called ‘sluts’ and I’ve stuck up for them. Why? Because they don’t really sleep around? Because they’ve not slept with that many people? NO, they’ve slept with loads of bloody people but the point is I don’t fucking care and this does by no means make them a ‘slut’ it makes them a sexual deviant whom I love. Men calling girls sluts is bad enough, but women doing it is fucking silly. Why are fighting over the stuff that men are high fiving over?

Are we threatened by these ‘sluts’? Do we think they’re going to steal all the men and eat their dicks for breakfast? What is it that we’re all so afraid of that makes us act in this tactless manor. Not every girl that sleeps around will sleep with someone’s boyfriend. So maybe she seeks validation, I think looking at the internet today, it’s fair to say we’re all seeking validation. Or maybe, shock horror, she just enjoys having sex? Instead of putting girls down and making them feel shit for their sexual behaviours, let’s just embrace the fact that we’re living in a society that’s more sexually honest and open that it has ever been. Isn’t that kinda empowering?

Let’s all agree to stop bitching on about how many guys a girls slept with, what she did in the back of that van, what she wore to that party and start high fiving each other for being sex goddess’ and rulers of the world.