Women's magazine headlines I'm fed up of seeing .

I used to love women's magazines. I constantly had a pile of Cosmopolitans etc stacked up by my bedside. I used to immerse myself fully into the world of celerity dieting. I was positive that I could get a man to fall in love with me in 5 simple steps. I would circle all the bikini's that would 'give me killer boobs'. I would endure sex position of the week (if you are not a barbie, the wheelbarrow can cause injury and embarrassment.) Suffice to say, I fell for all the shit. That's all it all is, shit. Women's magazines should be empowering, they should offer solid advice, they should explore the real issues we face, they should NOT be dictating what a 'real' woman is, should NOT be telling you all the ways to please your man and by all means should not be encouraging unhealthy views on body image.

( Please note: I actually think sex position of the week was the best thing to happen to women's magazine and nothing is more entertaining than seeing Barbie and Ken do it.)

'How to keep your man happy in bed'

Why? Why do we need to know this, surely keeping yourself happy in bed comes before this? This is a women's magazine so why is it all about pleasing men? I'm confused! By all means, I'm not saying you can't want to please your sexual partner, but why are we concentrating on the mans needs as if he's the only one who enjoys sex? If you want to know how to please a man in bed, ask him. But firstly find out what YOU like. If you want to read about sex I suggest you quit the shitty glossy weekly's and explore some better material. I suggest thedebrief, aft magazine, girlonthenet etc. Have fun and happy climaxing!

'How to get the perfect bikini body'

And what is the perfect bikini body? If they are wanting me to end up looking like Michelle Keegan, that's just never going to happen. Encouraging women to look like these celebrities is just setting up a bunch of women to fail at something. I diet, I detox and sometimes (rarely) I work out. I do this to make the best of myself, I will never be a Victoria's secret model but magazines are telling me that I can be. Women are under enough pressure as it is, we don't need pressure from an industry that should be supporting us. There is no perfect bikini body. The perfect body is the one you feel comfortable in. That's it. That is literally the perfect body. Delete your 'thinspiration' Pinterest board, concentrate on being healthy and happy.

Okay so this one isn't so much of a heading more so a popular story. 

Bringing women up only to knock them down. So often I see a celebrity in a magazine having their praises sang, a double spread of pictures letting us know where they got their clothes from, what they ate/didn't eat to get their new figure, how they got their man etc. Then a following issue slating their life decisions, a bad angled bikini shot showing how much weight they've gained and how they've hit rock bottom. The media do this too much, they love to put a woman on a pedestal, give her everything, then cackle as they push her off and watch her fall. Watching magazines slate celebrities is like watching rodents at dead animals. It's disgusting. Why are women's magazines full of negativity towards other women? Shame on you badly written glossy's.

'Turn to page 5 to see how she lost her baby bulge!'

This is one of my least faves. Having not had a child myself I can't fully imagine what it would feel like to read something like this. Having a baby is something that a lot of women will experience, it's an amazing moment for a woman to give birth and spend those first few months bonding with a person that they have been growing! The nearest thing I have come to that is growing a pepper plant and then getting to eat it. (It gave me a reaction and my lips swelled to triple their original size.) The focus on pregnant women should not be the way they look, how they 'wear their bump with style' and how quickly they managed to become size 6 again. Of course women would want their bodies back, it must be hard seeing such a dramatic change in yourself but if I had just had a baby I wouldn't want the pressure of working out each day to look 'good' again. And to the mags that keep saying how to 'wear your bump with style', you wear it on your fucking tummy because that's where it's kept until it comes out your vagina. You idiots. Being pregnant is an amazing thing but let's not focus on the fact that it's caused a giant bump to appear, there is more to a pregnant woman than being pregnant. Dawn O'Porter rants about this quite brilliantly on her Twitter account.

So there, I've had my little rant on the internet, I really hope women begin to notice the shit that gets thrown on and into these magazines. If this wasn't enough I strongly recommend checking out The Vagenda: a Zero Tolerance Guide to The Media.

5 Steps towards Body Positivity.

It’s that time of year where all the ‘New Year, New Me’ fucktard stuff gets thrown around on the internet. So I thought, I would join in. This is the only New Year’s resolution I’m having this year and I really think it should be one for your list too. ‘Be more body positive’. I’ve written out some steps to help you as best I can. (Basically this is just me avoiding dieting because I believe Dorito’s and Guacamole to be better than sex.)

Step One. Understand what ‘body positivity’ is.

Body Positivity is a response to a culture that has conditioned us into thinking that white, skinny, tall, big breasted, long hair is beautiful and everything else is not quite as good. It’s fighting back against the belief that plus size is ugly, that lumps and bumps are gross and muscle means man. Basically, in short, Body Positivity is calling out the bullshit. It’s not about being curvy, or being plus size, or being short, or being tall. It’s about loving the skin you’re in, no matter what skin that happens to be. Being body positive doesn’t mean you’re never allowed to diet or wear make-up or change the way you look. It’s about learning to find the beauty in you and what you have and giving the middle finger to anything that challenges self-love. I.e. women’s magazines (don’t get me started)

Step Two. Begin with the end in sight.

If you’re about to go on a diet, the best advice I can give is to envision yourself at the end. Look at yourself once you’ve lost the weight and ask yourself honestly how you feel. Do you feel happier being a stone lighter? Has this changed your life? Can you do more things now you’ve lost weight? IF yes, then great, lose weight. But really understand before you do anything if it’s actually what you want to do and not what you think you need to do. So many people set themselves goals and by the end of it they realise it’s not actually what they wanted. Some people are happier being a few sizes bigger. Dieting shouldn’t be hard, if you really really want to lose the weight you should be able to do it. If you’re finding dieting an uphill battle every time you attempt it, then stop. Stop and think about what you actually want and what makes you happy. If you need to lose weight for health reason then don’t diet, change your lifestyle, cut out the bad stuff. There’s no need to go to extremes.

Step three. Stalk yourself.

This one sounds weird BUT there’s no better way to learn to love you than stalking yourself. Think about all those girls you stalk in Instagram for ages (don’t lie and pretend you don’t, we all do). You sit in awe at how great their selfies look followed by that shit yourself feeling when you accidentally double tap. Look through your own social media accounts and find pictures you like, I bet you’ll find more than you think. Go back to a time you thought were ‘prettier’ or ‘skinnier’. Now think about if you were happier or not. I look back on photos where I weigh a stone less. It makes me feel so bloody shit but then I know how I felt back then and I wasn’t any happier, I still wasn’t happy about the way I looked. I was a twat that didn’t realise she had abs of steel and an ass that kept on giving.  Now instead of concentrating on the way I look in each photo I’ve picked up the ability to look at the way I’m feeling. Once you master that it’s pretty great and you’ll untag far less photos.

Step four. Own your flaws.

I’ve found that talking openly about my flaws makes it easier for me to accept them. Especially as when I tell people about them they either have never noticed, or have the exact same flaws. It’s always great when you confide in a girl about your cellulite and her reply is “Oh my god I have the same problem”, I mean it’s kinda messed up but it feels good! Once you recognise your flaws you can learn to love them, if not love then at least grow fond of them. My knees for example, I have no knees. I’m not being modest or fishing for compliments, they do not exist, where my knees should be is just a mound of wrinkled fat. No matter how much weight I lose I will never have knees. I’ve learnt to love my cushions knee replacements though, I mean if I ever need to knee a guy in the cock I know that I won’t do much damage. Guys can sleep easy at night knowing that I have chubby knees. Another thing worth doing is finding people, maybe even celebs with similar flaws. I used to feel a bit funny about my stubby fingers until I watched a clip of Elizabeth Taylor laughing about her stubby fingers, my God I have never complained about them again.

Finally. Step five. Know your triggers.

That sounds a bit weird and like you’re the hulk or something. Basically what I mean is what triggers you into feeling shit about your body? Is it when you go clubbing? When you see models in magazines? When you scroll Instagram? Find these triggers and either create a way of you not having to face that or a way to control it and turn it into something positive. For example I used to follow soooooo many insta hot girls, I was obsessed, I loved their style and their make-up HOWEVER every time I saw one I felt awful about the way I looked. So, I unfollowed them all and followed girls that inspired me to think positively, some of these also happen to be super-hot but it’s a very different message they’re promoting. I also used to feel shit when I got tagged in photos, to the point where I deleted Facebook. SILLY SOPHIE. You’re not going to look good in every photo but if you’re feeling good and smiling you will always love it. Most my photos were me pulling a funny gurning face so I had an excuse to look ugly. I know I’m not the only girl that does this. Now I learn to just smile and not worry about the outcome but just enjoy that moment.

I hope this was a little bit helpful and a push in the right direction. If it wasn’t, well, I did write this quite late with my cat lying across my right arm but my intentions were that of purity and love. 

“Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.” – Tina Fey.